And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
