i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
