He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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