I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
