Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
