Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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