I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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