Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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