I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
