I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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