Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
