god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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