why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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