y did u give ur computer a hand job?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
