is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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