its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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