I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
