I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
