I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
