I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
