I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
