What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
