Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
