You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
