He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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