Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
