I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I will pee on everything he values.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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