I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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