I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
