This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
