Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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