You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
