Im at strip club and am horny
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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