I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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