I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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