I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
