Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
