I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
