you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
