I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
