Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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