I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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