you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
