This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
