i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sober January is a disaster.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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