Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
