yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
