the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you have to choose: penises or morals?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
