I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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