do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
