textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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