I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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