I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
